I want to be the very best

Like no one ever was.

But I am to tired to write and I am too lazy.

And I half ass this blog like I do everything in my life.

Thats pretty lame.

Here's to the new year and getting things right.

Fiery determination.

Dont stop, believing!

Welcome to my realest year.

I realize what I am best at is me.


I've spent so long being so fake its hard to get back into being myself.


It is a little difficult but it feels good.

Heartbreak in the 408.

Stress and bad timing you will be the death of me.




Time to just do work son.



I realize I have a lot of work ahead of me, but for the first time in my life I want nothing other than to start hacking away at the mountain of bad decisions that I have made, and start wiping away each mistake with some hard work and good decisions. For the first time, doing the right thing is more important than having fun.


That is a very, very foreign idea to me.


What is fun and easy is what is best right?

WRONG!


Good thing it only took me 23 years to learn and not a few more decades.

I was really depressed for a while.
Well for years.



But my old man gave me some perspective.

I dont have any kids. (Praise Jesus!)
I dont have bad credit or heaps of debt.
and
I am in good health.


So basically I just have to start from scratch, that's not so bad.


Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate
but that we are powerful beyond measure
imagine the possibilities...

Nov 3rd, 2009 11:52 pm A heart's hope

So I dont really know if I am over her or not yet, but it still makes me happy when I look at her picture.
I dont really know if I am over her yet but it still makes me sad when I look at her picture.

Time the only thing we have so much of, we had so little.
Time the only thing we had so little of, we had so much.

Nov 2, 2009 9:14 am Real Talk

Its kinda hard to explain the place I find myself in today. Not where I am physically located, but the condition of my heart. Im pretty sad, but I am not depressed. Sometimes there are good reasons to be sad, and last night was the end of a very good thing in my life, so I am sad.

But through the pain, I find a clarity. A focus, a precise, clear, and entirely sober reality. I know what I want and I know how to get it.

I dont know if I will succeed, but it is like Wayne Gretsky said, "100% of the shots you dont take are missed ones." or something along those lines haha.


Chin up, eyes on the horizon.

My tattoo is true

I got it to remind me.


I forgot.


Introspection has led me to notice that I am depressed, I have awful sleeping habits, an addictive personality, and despite all of this by some small miracle of god's grace i can see that all hope is not lost


there are still people in the world who love me.


i love you all very much.

i almost let go, almost.


But I think I see the light again.

Warm Milk

AIM IM with coy.toby@gmail.com.
10:15 PM
Toby
aaah
i just cleaned the bathroom
it was a colossal effort
but somehow i did it

10:20 PM
Miles
hmm?
haha
i cant fukcing sleep
damn it

Toby
damn
that sucks
warm milk is supposed to help

Miles
really?
never heard that

Toby
yeah, i read an article on it a while back
theres definitely a scientific basis for it though
hm maybe not
i just tried to find the article and the first web page i came to was like
"there is little scientific basis for warm milk actually assisting in sleep..."

Miles
lol

Toby
my bad
haha
oh wait
i dont know who to believe anymore
i found the reason why milk is supposed to be good
"The reason warm milk works is because it is loaded with tryptophan, an amino acid that induces sleep. Don’t care for milk? Have a small serving of turkey or tuna fish. Both are packed with tryptophan."

Miles
aaaah
i see
goes to get milk*

Toby
tryptophan helps your body produce serotonin

Miles
hmm

Toby
serotonin helps calm the mind, inducing sleep
handy
apparently it works best on an empty stomach


10:30 PM
Miles
im kinda on an empty stomach
i just like it
i love milk
so a different way to drink it that might help me with my aweful slepe patterns is cool
awful* wow.
well awefully awful?

geography

geography has been my biggest annoyance lately.


I WANT YOU SO MUCH CLOSER.

(lyrics in the description)

Try Hard

Try hard.

Like Bruce Willis and shit.



Its so nice that when you just do you. (Watch me do me!)
And
Just be yourself, to find out that people really like you.


I have tried hard to impress people before, I think we all have at some point.




Day 6: Go big or go home.

Hmm

day zero - nothing
day (Not so) Onederful - failure
day 2nd chances - nothing
day 3rd times a charm- small victories




Get 'em.


Off to the gym...

priceless

"Discipline is the one thing that is priceless, (as in free) that is priceless (is worth more than you can measure). " -Me


Priceless, such an interesting idea.







I want to speak more languages.
I want to be in shape.
I want to go to school.


I could make a long list of wants, haha we all can.


I am going to spend the next 30 days applying myself as much as possible to those 3 goals.



Lets see what the priceless-ness of my willpower/discipline is.

Today is already tomorrow.


haha

introspection at 2am

i am attracted to terrible liars.

Drummed today.

It felt so good.

I love to get lost in the music.


Here is something to shake your ass too.




I should do what I know will make me happy more, and stop doing the things that leave me unfulfilled.



Gym, Pool, Library, and then work tomorrow.


I want to be the very best like no one ever was.

I miss jamming with friends late into the wee hours of the night.



So beautiful, makes me wish I had a crush on someone.





Sometimes I think I am in love with the entire world.

at first

i loved you because i wanted to.
i didnt want to be alone anymore, i was so lonely.
later i loved you because you loved me so well.


finally i love you because you are worthy of love.



i have never learned so much.
you taught me with your love.
its healed me, love has a funny way of doing that.


but its such a emptiness without your love.





i think i will stop trying to fill that wholesome hole with such unwholesome things.

surpirses

i went to jail.
i was looking at 10 to 15 years in prison

i have read the bible over 10 times.
i read the book of mormon
i read the koran

i was a virgin until 20

i used to want to be a pastor.

i have built houses in mexico for the poor.


i taught myself to play the drums.



i love telling stories.
i love speaking to large groups.
i love teaching.


i want to know like 15 languages.



i dated a girl for over a year and didnt kiss her.
i have had sex with strangers.


i used to go to church 5 times a week, by choice.

i used to bring hot chocolate to homeless people just to talk to them.




i used to run 10 miles a day.


i had the worst case of tonsillitis in history, and would have died if i didnt get them out.

i have a tattoo of a pokemon.


i want to write a book.


i dont have a family.



i have a permanent bruise that cannot heal.

i cracked my skull open before.




i am really random.


i enjoy watching old couples walking and holding hands.


i am really tired.







sometimes i think about just disappearing and becoming homeless.

Naked honesty

i want so badly to lay my soul bare before someone else, anyone else, and have them do the same.


it would appreciate anyone's honesty.

i want to tell you all my thoughts, all my flaws, all my joys, all my sorrows.

and you dont have so say anything, just reciprocate.

we could tell each other that it is all ok, that you are ok, that I am ok.

that we are normal.

i dont need that.

i am comfortable inside my own skin.

i know my demons, my flaws, my loves, my hates.




I want to meet strangers and trade life stories.
I want to meet old friends and see how we have grown.

see what has happened and see who we are now.





i cant stop listening to this song at the moment.




i want to sing ridiculous songs about love and feats of love, that arent so much ridiculous as they are actually precious and wonderful.


secrets that we all hold in our hearts, that are dying to be spoken aloud and acknowledged.


we all want someone to love us with all they are, we all want to give all of ourselves to someone.

we all want to be accepted, for ourselves.

we want people to believe in us.




i want truth.
i want to meet true people.
i want true friends.
i want true conversations.



the truth shall set you free.

indeed.

I knew it

pokemon are real.

http://www.fantasyirl.net/blog/2009/08/08/real-life-pokemon/#more-1315

gg.

I am a creep

When did that happen?

I am not sure of when I lost my innocence.

I dont know how many times I was molested as a child, and I dont know all of the people who robbed me.


I wonder if that is what has shaped me into who I am?



My step dad used to mentally physically and emotional abuse me.
I wonder if I was made stronger, in my rage, in my hatred of him and the injustice, or if at some point I lost myself.

Or god forbid, please god say it isnt so.


That all those atrocities of my childhood that I thought I had somehow risen above; have actually taken a terrible toll on me.



How does a boy become a man without a father?
How can I go home when I dont have one?


I have spent most of my adult life not having 4 walls to call my own.
Sleeping on peoples couches, renting rooms that are either lofts or game rooms that dont actually have 4 walls.


Right now I am living on a couch.

I dont know if its depressing or humbling.



I am so far behind, I wonder if I will ever be able to catch up.


I am not trying to whine, I am just trying to let honesty spill.



I think my parents are cowards.
I dont want to end up like either of them



I am really a very introspective person. Full of veracity and honesty.






I just want to meet new people and trade life stories.




I drift from place to place, never making any real friends.

Why is that?
Is it me?
It has to be, I am the only common factor where ever I roam.


Vagabond
Vagrant
Drifter



I want a home.
A place to call home and a love all my own.
Home is where your heart is, home is who your heart loves.

I wonder if its my fault I dont have a home.


I am not afraid of sharing my own thoughts or admitting these are the things I think and feel.

I should probably go to sleep now.




I can never sleep.
And if I happen to fall asleep I never sleep well.

I dont know if its the fact that I dont have a bed or if its my demons keeping me up.


Im drowning in my sleep.




I just want to drum, take my emotions out until I cannot hear anything but the crash of the symbols, until my limbs are so weary that I cannot lift them anymore and then hopefully, maybe then sleep would conquer me.

Sunrise, I know me and my drums have a healthy relationship.

So it is 4am.

The end of a day or the beginning of a new day?
Thats how life is, its sorta of hard to tell if something is a beginning or an ending.

Well the suns coming up soon, so I think I will stay out here in the fresh air, and read a book a little bit and blog and just reflect and keep writing poorly structured run-on sentences.

I have only had the pleasure of watching one or two sunrises, nay only had the common sense to watch a couple sunrises.


.....that is something I shall have to remedy.


Ill tellll you how that goes.



Its so odd how I can do the things that dont make me happy, and say the things I dont want to do. No, it is thee exact opposite of what I love, of what I want to do, that I end up doing. I feel like the apostle Paul and what he was talking about in Romans 7:15 "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." its funny how I havent really read my bible in years yet I can still quote it.

the Word is just on my heart, i have always been good at quoting the bible.
but i dont want to be a christian, they cant seem to get anything right,

but maybe thats just it, the beauty in the breakdown.



Its funny how I can kick the kick drum, and not just feel the kick of the drum and boom of the bass from my toes to my face, I feel it in my chest I FEEL IT IN MY SOUL, but still I am scared to admit thats what I was made to do, because that means I have to let go, take a risk.

A ship in the harbor is safe, but that isnt what ships were made for.
Its dangerous out on a limb, but isnt that where the fruit is?

I have an affinity for language, and people and relationships.
Seriously, nor cal you have no idea, you dont know me, but id love to get to know you.

So cal, I miss you.

TANGENT ends here...

So back to feeling that kick drum so deep in my soul.

Drumming, makes me happy, its something I love so much that I want to do it more each time I do it, I want to get better every time I play, it reminds me a bit of what love should be like.

I know me and my drums have a healthy relationship.

No matter how bad I play I love it, every little sound the imperfections and all.
and
No matter how good I play I am always trying to improve, to play better quicker faster, more from the soul.

I was drunk not to long ago, and I wasnt happy, I just wanted to stop talking but I couldnt seem to keep my mouth shut.



MODERATION,

Ecclesiastes 7:18 "The man who fears God will avoid all extremes ."

I need to cool it.

I always over do it, I am always all or nothing. I guess its good that I am never lukewarm, but sometimes it is good to test the waters.


SIMPLICITY SIMPLICITY SIMPLICITY.


The suns just barely starting to show just a hint of its glory.

A few more short hours to enjoy this masterpiece in the sky.

i am drink right now

i am drunk right now, but i just want to write this so when i am sober i will read it

i say stuff i shouldnt say when i drink
i dont stop talking or taking pictures when i drink
i think i may embarrass my self a bit when i drink to much


i need to just slow down

see i am afraid of dying alone,
i want all my friends to see how beautiful and wonderful they are, i want them all to know what wonderful people they are.


i need to get my ass to church.

drinking doesnt make me happy, i really only drink to make friends.

i love you all.

you are all such amazing people.




i feel really blessed to know so many special and amazing individuals.

fight club

i want to join a real fight club.


and i wish random strangers on the street would have free style rap battles with me.


or

i want to drum and just jam with old friends again, like i used to for hours on end.

erase my face

if you saw me you wouldnt reconize me
my demeanor or or my eyes
i wish you would believe me when i said i was someone else
that i am not that guy anymore


now i am me


i like me, i laugh a lot more than that other guy

vicarious

what do you love?

you should go to it more.


i always get so excited for friends that finsish college, or that are going to school, or playing sports, or pursuing their passions such as music, art, dance, or singing.



i sat down the other day and realized just how much time i spend doing things that do not bring me much satisfaction.

videogames, eating, watching tv, getting lost on myspace or facebook.
well no more.

that is time i could spend getting better at the drums or reading a good book, or practicing photography.



find what you love, love what you find.

i think i am a little bit, a little bit, a little bit..

the smile on my face is me thinking about you

its feels so right being me around you

lets build a bookcase

or just show me something new



you feel all the same lines i do

you were feeling them as i read them to you

thats never happened before

all the other girls thought emerson was a bore.

To Do List

go to sleep

learn more vietnamese, (anh lam bing)

tell my friends how beautiful all of them are

work out everyday

read more

write more

drum more

pick up and learn to play that guitar i got for christmas in 2005

visit my sisters

pray more

eat less

better sleeping habits

watch me do me

be myself

learn to dance (can you teach me how to jerk?) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwumlxli5-U



learn to do a backflip
get in shape to do a backflip


get student loans (UUGGGHHH)



not have sex for a while
dont kiss anybody for a while

hug people more

talk to strangers more

go back to school

take more pictures

paint

freestyle rap battle



get more tats


repierce my lips


GO TO SLEEP haha

23 years in...

23 years into this game called life, and i am still making the same mistakes.

worse i know what my mistakes are, i see them before i make them, and make them anyways even tho i know they wont bring me happiness.



why do we humans have such small memories?
when we are happy and well fed and feeling good, we so quickly forget those hard lesson we learned when we were cold, alone, and sad.