rest my tired head

lord i am trying to remember you, but i am so good at forgetting

remember me, bring me home again.

Sober reflections of intoxicated musings

So I have not liked anybody since october 10th 2004.

Liking someone is really a mysterious and interesting thing, if only we had more control over it, if only we could only be infatuated with people that would be healthy relationships and save ourselves all the trouble and heartache.

I have no idea why I do, I just know that I do.

And I know why, I know exactly why.

I am so entirely frustrated.

I know what I want is slightly unreasonable, I just don't think that it is that far fetched at all.

I believe in love.

Soo nothing cohesive

Paralyzed in thought. Not so much by fear but by lack of emotion.

There is a need…for something, for anything that will make me feel again.

I always hated when people said they were depressed.

How fucking hard is it to smile? Or to just laugh?

But I think that I may understand now.

Everything is not fun anymore.

Even my favorite things bring no satisfaction, not that they ever did?…did they?

So I sit. Constantly streaming variables through my mind. It all seems hopeless.

Where is this God? My god?

Thor or Loki

What evidence do you have that I am not the God of Thunder?

I want to be the very best

Like no one ever was.

But I am to tired to write and I am too lazy.

And I half ass this blog like I do everything in my life.

Thats pretty lame.

Here's to the new year and getting things right.

Fiery determination.

Dont stop, believing!

Welcome to my realest year.

I realize what I am best at is me.


I've spent so long being so fake its hard to get back into being myself.


It is a little difficult but it feels good.

Heartbreak in the 408.

Stress and bad timing you will be the death of me.




Time to just do work son.



I realize I have a lot of work ahead of me, but for the first time in my life I want nothing other than to start hacking away at the mountain of bad decisions that I have made, and start wiping away each mistake with some hard work and good decisions. For the first time, doing the right thing is more important than having fun.


That is a very, very foreign idea to me.


What is fun and easy is what is best right?

WRONG!


Good thing it only took me 23 years to learn and not a few more decades.

I was really depressed for a while.
Well for years.



But my old man gave me some perspective.

I dont have any kids. (Praise Jesus!)
I dont have bad credit or heaps of debt.
and
I am in good health.


So basically I just have to start from scratch, that's not so bad.


Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate
but that we are powerful beyond measure
imagine the possibilities...

Nov 3rd, 2009 11:52 pm A heart's hope

So I dont really know if I am over her or not yet, but it still makes me happy when I look at her picture.
I dont really know if I am over her yet but it still makes me sad when I look at her picture.

Time the only thing we have so much of, we had so little.
Time the only thing we had so little of, we had so much.

Nov 2, 2009 9:14 am Real Talk

Its kinda hard to explain the place I find myself in today. Not where I am physically located, but the condition of my heart. Im pretty sad, but I am not depressed. Sometimes there are good reasons to be sad, and last night was the end of a very good thing in my life, so I am sad.

But through the pain, I find a clarity. A focus, a precise, clear, and entirely sober reality. I know what I want and I know how to get it.

I dont know if I will succeed, but it is like Wayne Gretsky said, "100% of the shots you dont take are missed ones." or something along those lines haha.


Chin up, eyes on the horizon.

My tattoo is true

I got it to remind me.


I forgot.


Introspection has led me to notice that I am depressed, I have awful sleeping habits, an addictive personality, and despite all of this by some small miracle of god's grace i can see that all hope is not lost


there are still people in the world who love me.


i love you all very much.

i almost let go, almost.


But I think I see the light again.

Warm Milk

AIM IM with coy.toby@gmail.com.
10:15 PM
Toby
aaah
i just cleaned the bathroom
it was a colossal effort
but somehow i did it

10:20 PM
Miles
hmm?
haha
i cant fukcing sleep
damn it

Toby
damn
that sucks
warm milk is supposed to help

Miles
really?
never heard that

Toby
yeah, i read an article on it a while back
theres definitely a scientific basis for it though
hm maybe not
i just tried to find the article and the first web page i came to was like
"there is little scientific basis for warm milk actually assisting in sleep..."

Miles
lol

Toby
my bad
haha
oh wait
i dont know who to believe anymore
i found the reason why milk is supposed to be good
"The reason warm milk works is because it is loaded with tryptophan, an amino acid that induces sleep. Don’t care for milk? Have a small serving of turkey or tuna fish. Both are packed with tryptophan."

Miles
aaaah
i see
goes to get milk*

Toby
tryptophan helps your body produce serotonin

Miles
hmm

Toby
serotonin helps calm the mind, inducing sleep
handy
apparently it works best on an empty stomach


10:30 PM
Miles
im kinda on an empty stomach
i just like it
i love milk
so a different way to drink it that might help me with my aweful slepe patterns is cool
awful* wow.
well awefully awful?

geography

geography has been my biggest annoyance lately.


I WANT YOU SO MUCH CLOSER.

(lyrics in the description)

Try Hard

Try hard.

Like Bruce Willis and shit.



Its so nice that when you just do you. (Watch me do me!)
And
Just be yourself, to find out that people really like you.


I have tried hard to impress people before, I think we all have at some point.




Day 6: Go big or go home.

Hmm

day zero - nothing
day (Not so) Onederful - failure
day 2nd chances - nothing
day 3rd times a charm- small victories




Get 'em.


Off to the gym...

priceless

"Discipline is the one thing that is priceless, (as in free) that is priceless (is worth more than you can measure). " -Me


Priceless, such an interesting idea.







I want to speak more languages.
I want to be in shape.
I want to go to school.


I could make a long list of wants, haha we all can.


I am going to spend the next 30 days applying myself as much as possible to those 3 goals.



Lets see what the priceless-ness of my willpower/discipline is.

Today is already tomorrow.


haha

introspection at 2am

i am attracted to terrible liars.

Drummed today.

It felt so good.

I love to get lost in the music.


Here is something to shake your ass too.




I should do what I know will make me happy more, and stop doing the things that leave me unfulfilled.



Gym, Pool, Library, and then work tomorrow.


I want to be the very best like no one ever was.

I miss jamming with friends late into the wee hours of the night.



So beautiful, makes me wish I had a crush on someone.





Sometimes I think I am in love with the entire world.

at first

i loved you because i wanted to.
i didnt want to be alone anymore, i was so lonely.
later i loved you because you loved me so well.


finally i love you because you are worthy of love.



i have never learned so much.
you taught me with your love.
its healed me, love has a funny way of doing that.


but its such a emptiness without your love.





i think i will stop trying to fill that wholesome hole with such unwholesome things.